How to Tell Your Children About Divorce
Divorce is never easy, especially when children are involved. As a Daytona Beach divorce and family law attorney, I understand the challenges that parents face when breaking the news to their children. It's important to approach the conversation with care and sensitivity, in order to minimize the impact on your children and help them adjust to the changes ahead. In this article, I'll provide some tips and guidance on how to tell your children about divorce.
The way parents inform their children about the divorce significantly impacts how the kids perceive and handle everything related to the divorce in the months and years to come. This critical conversation will forever change your children's lives. As such, it's essential to carefully plan how and what you'll communicate to them. Your approach will set the foundation for how your children cope with the divorce. A divorce and family law attorney can provide valuable guidance during this time.
When should you tell your kids about the divorce?
Resist the urge to immediately inform your children about the divorce as soon as you find out. You're unlikely to be in the composed emotional state necessary to have an open and supportive conversation with your spouse and children about what the future holds. The emotional turmoil that often accompanies divorce is normal but not conducive to reassuring your children.
Additionally, you may not possess all the information needed upon discovering the divorce. Your children will likely have many questions (even if unasked), and you should prepare some answers before discussing with them.
The timing of your conversation will partially depend on the ages and developmental stages of each child. A three-year-old, for instance, won't comprehend what you mean when you say, "We are getting divorced in one year, and there will be lots of changes."
Furthermore, your children don't need to know until a change in their lives is imminent. For example, if you decide to get divorced but will live together for six months until someone can move out, there's no need to inform the children right away. While you want to give them some notice, you might choose to wait until closer to implementing a change in their lives. Let the ages and developmental levels of your children guide your decision.
Why shouldn't you tell them right away?
Having a calm and reassuring discussion about the divorce with your children may be too challenging. Moreover, avoiding blame on the other parent or indicating that you didn't want the divorce could be extremely difficult.
Parents often say, "I don't lie to my children; they need to know the truth." However, children don't need to know the truth about everything. Just as parents want their kids to enjoy the excitement of holidays and tell them about Santa, children should learn about the divorce without hearing all the painful details about your spouse's affair and your emotional distress. Exposing your children to intimate information about your marriage's breakdown is unnecessary and not in their best interest.
Consider your goal when talking with your children. Is it to disclose the whole truth, or is it to help them cope with the upcoming divorce and foster the best possible relationship with both parents? Research shows that children fare best in the long run when they maintain loving relationships with both parents and experience minimal family conflict.
Before discussing the impending divorce with your children, have as many answers for them as possible. They'll want to know where they'll live, who they'll live with, and if they'll still see the other parent. They might ask about the reasons for the divorce and who is at fault. They'll also have questions about pets, their living arrangements, and their grandparents' involvement in their lives. They'll be concerned about school and friends as well. While you may not have all the answers, be prepared to answer some questions or explain when you'll have responses. Plan for these decisions in advance, and consider consulting a divorce and family law attorney for guidance.
As news of your divorce reaches family and friends, it's crucial that your children hear it from you. The timing of your conversation will depend on each child's age, developmental level, and when changes in family living arrangements are anticipated. Older children may require earlier notice, while younger children might need less advanced warning. Consulting with a therapist and a divorce and family law attorney can provide valuable guidance during this time.
In preparation for talking with your children, consider consulting a therapist who has experience working with divorcing families. This professional can help you plan what to say and when to say it, based on your children's needs and understanding at different ages and developmental stages. If possible, you and your spouse should meet with the therapist together to develop a plan.
When discussing the divorce with your children, both parents should ideally talk with them together. Despite any anger or resentment towards your spouse, it's vital to prioritize your children's best interests. In most cases, this means sitting down together and informing them.
How do I tell them?
Your primary goal when telling your children about the divorce is to help them understand the situation, reassure them of your love and support, emphasize that the divorce is not their fault, and encourage them to ask questions. Allowing them to ask questions doesn't mean revealing every detail about your marital issues.
In conclusion, when discussing the divorce with your children, always prioritize their needs. Consider what's best for them in terms of when, what, and how you tell them. While the suggestions provided serve as general guidelines, there might be situations where these guidelines may not be the most appropriate. In cases involving incarceration, substance abuse, or a history of child abuse, it's highly recommended to consult a therapist to discuss what to tell the children, when, and how.
You may only need a couple of sessions with a therapist. Though this might delay your conversation with the children, you and your spouse will be better equipped to help them cope with the divorce. Additionally, seeking advice from a divorce and family law attorney can provide valuable guidance during this challenging time.
At the Law Office of Carol Lee Peake, we understand the complexities of family law and the emotional toll that divorce can take on families. If you need help with a divorce or family law issue in the Daytona Beach area, we are here to help. Contact us today to schedule a consultation and learn how we can help you and your family through this difficult time.
If you are in need of a Divorce or Family Law Attorney, call the Law Office of Carol Lee Peake at (386) 868-4039 for a consultation.
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